Life with Maggie

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

I have been thinking so much lately about parenthood. There is so much responsibility FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. There is another person that you are totally responsible for, always. What is it inside a woman that makes her want to be a Mommy so bad. What was it inside Tommy's Mom that made her get pregnant again even though the doctors told her that her body could not take another pregnancy or labor. I think about Tommy's real Mom alot. I wonder what she was like. I know she was one hell of woman. She died during childbirth with Tommy. He was 6 weeks premature (and amazingly still 6 pounds...he's a big guy) But, that's definitely the flip side of the coin. When I see my Maggie's face, I know what his Mom was thinking about. I would lay down my life for that baby. Some days this world really makes sense to me. Some days it doesn't. But today, on my 26th birthday I am so fortunate for all I have. Everything is so clear today. And as for Tommy's mother....I still wish I could have met her. But, I know she's around. Making sure I take good care of her very first grand-daughter.
posted at 10:28 AM | # | (2) any comments?

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Today is February 18. Today is Tommy's 28th birthday. MY GOD! My husband is 28 years old. I'll be 26 tomorrow. I'm on the DOWN SIDE of my twenties. For some reason I've been freaking out about my age lately. Not sure why. I think just the fact of me being 26 isn't the reason. I think ALOT of it is that Tommy is 28. Thirty has always freaked me out. The carefree days of your twenties are over. You're no longer allowed to make "foolish youthful mistakes". It's REAL LIFE grown-up time from here on out. I guess all that really ended when Maggie was born though. And, technically, I still have 4 more years of the reckless abandonment of youth. My Mom and Aunt, who are coming up on 50..OUCH!, tell me it's just a number and not to freak out. I'm trying. Trying not to feel old. Trying to enjoy what's left of my youth. I'm not usually hung up on things like this. I have no idea why I've been tormented with these feelings lately.

In other news....and a possible explanation for my insanity.....I believe I'm experiencing some post-partum hormonal craziness. I just assumed that I wouldn't get all that fun stuff because it didn't happen right after she was born. I was dead wrong. A few weeks ago my monthly friend visited for the first time since May of 2001!!! (For those of you unaware, breastfeeding keeps the friend away a while). So, all these hormones being re-introduced into my body have turned me a bit whacky. Some days I want to throw Tommy on the bed and rip his clothes off (is that TMI?) and others I want to throw him on the bed and rip his head off. I guess that's life. :-) I have my yearly in March 3rd and plan to get put back on the good pill (the kind with estrogen that I couldn't have while breastfeeding). Maybe that will stablilize my crazyness? Let's hope so.

Maggie will be 1 year old on Friday, March 14th. I can't believe it. I will soon have a 1 year old daughter. INSANE! I still feel pregnant sometimes. I can still taste the castor oil I drank to "jumpstart" labor. Wow. I'll have a one year old.
posted at 03:43 PM | # | (0) any comments?